Forgive me, I can only be me! [entries|friends|calendar] Ashlee [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

Wow... its been a while... Just a rant for ya'll [03 Oct 2006|02:45pm] [ mood | stressed ] [ music | Lips of An Angel... Hinder ] You know what sucks... I think that I'm in love with the past, because I just can't seem to let it go... Every time I think about it, I get a tiny bit of hope, and I let it burn, because I don't have the balls to do anything about it, I can't get over it no matter how hard I try... I've tried to multiple times, and never once have I been successfull... I'm writing on here, because not really every one knows my livejournal, instead of my myspace, and I don't want a bunch of people flipping out... So yes, I'm dating Jamie, and I do care about him, but once again, I can't get over my past, and I know that eventually it's going to cause me to break down... I've actually been pretty close to an emotional break down for some time now, but I don't know what to do... Do I tell everyone how I feel, and risk getting told to go Fuck myself, or do I risk getting told what I wanna hear, and throwing everything that I have away for someone who hasn't batted an eye at me for years... Then I'm sick and tired of being used by my closest friends, because I have cigarettes, and occasionally have a bit of money, and I have a car... Every one needs to get somewhere, and you know todays society is too damned lazy to walk...This shit just all gets to me, everyone uses me, even if they don't realize it and Im fucking tired of it!!! I mean... all I want is 1 day with out someone calling me for a ride somewhere, or something! not like it'd happen, but hey a girl can dream can't they? I have no motivation for anything at all anymore, and as much as I wish I could change it, I can't... I HATE SCHOOL, I need a new job, I need money to help save up for a new car, I need to find some fucking scholarships.... I need some kinda fucking thing to get me started... I'm sick of my mom, saying I don't do shit for her, when I give her all my money, and babysit every night for her...! I'm so fuckign sick of being dick ass poor, to the point that I wanna get new school clothes, and I have to bum money off my dad, and still am short for 1 outfit.... (and this is WALMART shopping) I'm going to go nuts, I need a break, from everyone, even myself... I need to think shit through before i act stupid like I always do... before I say shit I don't mean, and that bs... Forgive me... I can only be me...

[24 Jun 2006|11:42pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | Unfaithful Rihanna ] Unfaithful - Rihanna Story of my life Searching for the right But it keeps avoiding me Sorrow in my soul cause it seems that wrong really loves my company Hes more than a man and this is more than love the reason that the sky is blue the clouds are rolling in because I'm gone again and to him I just can't be true and I know that he knows I'm unfaithful and it kills him inside to know that I am happy with some other guy I can see him dying I don't wanna do this anymore I don't wanna be the reason why Everytime I walk out the door I see him die a little more inside I don't wanna hurt him anymore I don't wanna take away his life I don't wanna be... a murderer I feel it in the air as I'm doing my hair preparing for another day A kiss up on my cheek He's here reluctantly as if I'm gonna be out late I say I won't be long Just hanging with the girls A lie I didn't have to tell Because we both know where I'm about to go and we know it very well cause I know that he knows I'm unfaithful and it kills him inside to know that I am happy with some other guy I can see him dying I don't wanna do this anymore I don't wanna be the reason why Everytime I walk out the door I see him die a little more inside I don't wanna hurt him anymore I don't wanna take away his life I don't wanna be... a murderer our love His trust I might as well take a gun and put it to his head Get it over with I don't wanna do this Anymore (anymore) I don't wanna do this anymore I don't wanna be the reason why Everytime I walk out the door I see him die a little more inside I don't wanna hurt him anymore I don't wanna take away his life I don't wanna be... a murderer (a murderer) No no no no Yeah yeah yeah This song speaks to me... I feel like shit, I wish my brain would work... My step dad is leaving, for good when he leaves... We're poor, really fucking poor, even with him here... I'm probably going to have to move soon... I just wish I could make everyone happy... I hate knowing that one way or another I will always *lose* I need sleep... Really badly, I'm starting to get a migrain... SHIT FUCK DONKEY NUTS BITCH PUSSY ASS DAMN ... damn that didnt make me feel any better... I tryed... well, fuck, im outa here Forgive me... I can only be me...

doubts... [24 May 2006|09:48pm] Doubting yourself, and what you want, is the most horrible feeling I have ever had... Not knowing how I feel on certian things, and just being scared shitless that I'm not doing the right thing... I have doubts on everything right now... Doubts that my mom really will be okay(she just had surgery) I have always pictured my mom as living longer than I do, she is the most amazing woman that I know, she is so strong, granted I don't like her and what she does alot of the time, but I love her, and to see her struggle like she is.. it just makes me feel so badly... I barely have any time for my friends, anymore, with work, school and shane... I am starting to have doubts again, I know that if I stay with him it's for the rest of my life, and that if I don't stay with him that I could lose him for forever, don't get me wrong, I love him so much, we've been together for 4 months, and still haven't fought once... but I never know what I want... I'm so indecisive. I'm 17 for gods sake, do I need to be in a long term relationship? I know I'm not getting any younger... but jesus... I miss a lot of people that I used to hang out with, but I don't because I know that if I hang out with them I'd cheat on him... The person I'm thinking about, particular, I'm very close with, but we had a very sexual relationship... like u couldn't leave us alone for five minutes... or... yah. I miss him, and I understand that in order to be with Shane I have to make certain sacrifices, but... Am I completely sure that I'm ready to spend the rest of my life with this person...? No.... Dont get me wrong, I love him, so much, and I know that if we broke up, I'd be really devastated... I want him, and to be able to be a teenager, but I don't know what to do... Well I'll probably post later... <3 ashlee Forgive me... I can only be me...

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